Family... It's Hard

I take great comfort in the fact that the first family in the Bible was dysfunctional. Cain and Abel, Adam and Eve were at their heart constantly messing up and hurting each other.

Is it normal for a family to be dysfunctional? I sometimes think it's neither yes or no. It's both. Think of it like this, you have multiple personalities, strengths, weaknesses; all trying to come to terms with themselves and the world around them. Whether they be adults or children the identification and development of the self is constantly evolving. One event in a family can be - and probably is - interpreted in a variety of understandings.

So in someway something that you are offended by might not illicit the same response from a family member. It's not that their/your intentions are wrong but it can leave hurt. I think it is interesting that both sides of an issue can walk away from that issue feeling hurt and scared by it.

There is also the idea of self dysfunctionality. As we grow up into adulthood we carry our insecurities and fears. They become who we are. For example, Just because you have children doesn't mean you will be a less anxious person. I guess the same can be said about marriage. Marriage doesn't heal our deepest brokenness. The danger I guess, is that parents have influence over their children and without them knowing they can project/transfer their issues onto their children.

The good news is that it is normal. It's whether we can identify that we are doing it. So relationships at their heart are dealing with dysfunctionality.

Now I am not condoning abuse in any form. I do think there are times when dysfunction is so toxic that it hurts the people around us in deep ways and we need to put an end to it. So don't ever make excuses for dysfunction.

I think right at the heart of it is this simple truth. We cannot get away from dysfunction. We cannot get away from hurting others because of our own wounds. Hurt people, hurt people.

The question for me becomes this, if God is restoring us with
others through God's wholeness then how do we reflect this through our dysfunction. I am not sure I have any answers. Maybe half the battle is to say that I hurt people, I am hurt by people, and we are all trying to work that out through community. Maybe that is what family really is. The mutual working out of life through loving community.