If Only I Had Said/Done That...
I am a 9 on the Enneagram. A peacemaker and so I constantly try and hold the peace at the risk of myself. I shy away from conflict and also find conflict or social dissonance extremely tiring.
Often I find myself in situations where someone says or does something shocking. Instead of having a clever reply I go into a form of shock. I don't know how to deal with the comments and therefore my instinctive response is to freeze. I then go back and think to myself "If only I had said that" or "If only I had done that".
I have become more aware of this situational analysis in my head as I now am training for ministry. It strikes me often that these can be opportunities missed to stand up for myself/community/theology.
You might think that this is a bad quality to have and you probably be right. However, recently I have noticed a secondary layer coming through. As I gain experience and the same situations or comments seem to pop up, I can now recognise them for what they are. My inner awareness is more attune to these moments and my shock is turning to strength.
I recently had a situation where the power games were directed at me. Instead of feeling shocked I found myself just acknowledging what was happening. I could then assess the situation and respond in the manner I wished to respond in. If I had not been hurt or surprised by this action in my past, I probably would have missed it and in so doing would have wished I had done or said something differently.
I wonder, as I reflect on these changes if part of maturing into something is to embrace the shock. To reflect on it and not feel guilty for it. Then mature in reflection on how I would handle the situation differently and when it happens again to respond to it with experience.
Maybe its not a bad quality but an inexperienced quality. I am realising that part of having it together is actually acknowledging that I don't have it all together. Most importantly,
it is ok to be in that place.
Often I find myself in situations where someone says or does something shocking. Instead of having a clever reply I go into a form of shock. I don't know how to deal with the comments and therefore my instinctive response is to freeze. I then go back and think to myself "If only I had said that" or "If only I had done that".I have become more aware of this situational analysis in my head as I now am training for ministry. It strikes me often that these can be opportunities missed to stand up for myself/community/theology.
You might think that this is a bad quality to have and you probably be right. However, recently I have noticed a secondary layer coming through. As I gain experience and the same situations or comments seem to pop up, I can now recognise them for what they are. My inner awareness is more attune to these moments and my shock is turning to strength.
I recently had a situation where the power games were directed at me. Instead of feeling shocked I found myself just acknowledging what was happening. I could then assess the situation and respond in the manner I wished to respond in. If I had not been hurt or surprised by this action in my past, I probably would have missed it and in so doing would have wished I had done or said something differently.
I wonder, as I reflect on these changes if part of maturing into something is to embrace the shock. To reflect on it and not feel guilty for it. Then mature in reflection on how I would handle the situation differently and when it happens again to respond to it with experience.
Maybe its not a bad quality but an inexperienced quality. I am realising that part of having it together is actually acknowledging that I don't have it all together. Most importantly,
it is ok to be in that place.
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